No homecoming ever goes smoothly

The number one rule of homecomings is: Don’t talk about homecomings. No, wait, that’s the number one rule of "Fight Club."

The real number one rule of homecomings is: They go wrong.

The only thing that varies from homecoming to homecoming is just how far the actual reunion deviates from the picture perfect plan we’ve dreamt up over the course of a deployment. The range of imperfections can reach anywhere from your Marine’s plane being rerouted to the front lines of World War III to breaking a nail on the drive to the base.

No matter the severity of the catastrophe, I can guarantee that any wife you question will have her less than fairytale story to share.

I, too, can toss my own experience into this category. Anytime there was mention of a homecoming date during my husband’s six-month OIF deployment, I would shrug it off saying, "I’ll believe it when I see it," in true Marine wife fashion.

However, the moment I heard they were out of Iraq, I lost all sense of reality and entered this la la land of perfect homecomings complete with slow-motion running to the "Chariot’s of Fire" theme song and a reunion kiss sure to make even the toughest Marine weak in the knees.

On the morning of his homecoming, I got the news. He wasn’t coming home.

After 15 minutes of assuring my husband that this was the worst joke in history, I finally accepted that he wasn’t joking.

The truth was that his plane was in no shape to make the rest of the trip, so they would be two days later than planned.

I know that I don’t have to explain to any military spouse just how long the last days of deployment are. Sure, you can survive months on end, but those last few days seem to drag on forever.

So just when I thought I’d had my last sleepless night, I had to face the reality that I would be reliving those last two God-awful days all over again.

When your homecoming inevitably goes awry, you may seek the comfort of a friend or family member, but be careful. I promise that no amount of comforting words can make you feel any better.

True, everything happens for a reason, but at that moment of utter disappointment, you couldn’t care less what that reason is. In the mind of a disappointed spouse, the problem won’t be solved until she sees her man walk out of his plane/ship/bus.

So to any spouse approaching a homecoming, I send nothing but my congratulations for surviving, and my best wishes for a smooth-sailing reunion.

More than anything, though, I advise you to stay realistic. If you can make it through the letdowns, disappointments, snagged pantyhose and inclement weather, I think you’ll realize that your homecoming really is perfect the moment you’re wrapped up in the arms of your Marine. Besides, slow-motion running looks stupid in real life anyway.

Kristi Stolzenberg is a Marine wife whose column appears every other week in the Havelock News. She can be reached at kristi.stolz@gmail.com.