Good manners

Over the years, I have tried incredibly hard to make sure my girls learned to use good manners. I have always encouraged them to write thank-you notes for even the simplest kindnesses and polite answers, even when someone has really ticked them off. For the most part, my efforts have succeeded.

Recently, I realized that one of my daughters might be taking it to the extreme and could be letting people walk all over her. I began to notice, particularly during her high school years, that she consistently turned the other cheek to rude and mean comments and behaviors by others toward her.

Some might say that is a good thing, and 99 percent of the time, I believe it is probably the best way to handle meanness. Drama queens thrive on drama. When you respond in a dramatic way, it gives them what they want.

Our children learn from watching us, and so I had begun recently to wonder if I had been sending her the wrong message.

She has been with me in public when I have been confronted with some pretty nasty people. I have never lost it, knock on wood. I have always managed to remain calm and sympathetic to a person’s situation and concern, due in large part that one or both of my girls was standing with me.

Last week however, I was confronted with a situation that tested my resolve.  A person came and asked me to write a letter of reference for her. My daughter was standing by my side. Her parent was standing by her side. This person has done nothing but say mean, hurtful things, spread rumors and make the life of one of my daughters a living hell on many days.

My daughter has always turned the other cheek, prayed for her and forgiven her. I guess that, as the adult in the family, I should probably do all of those same things.

Instead and before I even had time to really think, I replied with words that came from some place deep inside the soul of a mother. The words came quickly, calmly and without reservation or apology.

"I don’t think that I will be able to provide you with a recommendation," I said. "You have done a lot of great things, but you have not always been kind or honest. When I write a recommendation for someone, it goes with the assurance that the person I am recommending is of good character. I can’t in good conscience do that for you.

"You have hurt my own daughter repeatedly with your rumors and hurtful behaviors, and you have hurt others. As a Christian, I forgive you. But I will not write you a reference and pretend that I believe your behaviors are worthy of reward."

With that, I took my daughter by the hand and we turned to go to our car. I noticed as we were walking that her grip on my hand became tighter and tighter. When we got in the car, she looked at me and said "Mom, I cannot believe you just did that."

Quite honestly, as I was replaying it in my own mind, I couldn’t believe I had done it either. But you know what? It felt really good!

It felt good to me, but it also made my daughter realize that she and her sister and their dad always come first in my life, period.

It showed her that being a Christian does not mean you have to sell yourself out and do something that goes against your principles to present a kind and forgiving image.

We do have to forgive people, just like we forgive our own children and just as we want to be forgiven.

There are moments that I still feel kind of mean about not writing the recommendation. But I bet that from now on, before a word comes out of her mouth, that she will contemplate whether her comments are worthy of the person she wants to be and of the person I believe she can be in this life.

Kim Smith is a member of the Craven County Board of Education and the mother of two daughters. She can be reached at kimricesmith@embarqmail.com.